


is it too late to come on home?

by BeesKnees



Series: so much time on the other side (waiting for you to wake up) [2]
Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mention of Wesker/Leon, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:48:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24243787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeesKnees/pseuds/BeesKnees
Summary: “I fucking hate you. I hate you so much. All of this is your fault," Leon tells Chris.After their run-in with Wesker, Chris isn't sure Leon will ever heal. He can't admit this to anyone, because it would be a kind of sacrilege. But he's afraid that Leon's just going to fester.
Relationships: Leon S. Kennedy/Chris Redfield
Series: so much time on the other side (waiting for you to wake up) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1749892
Comments: 18
Kudos: 106





	is it too late to come on home?

Chris had thought the worst of it was over. When the medics had pulled a still-catatonic Leon out of the chopper, he'd assumed that all Leon needed was time to heal. He knew it wouldn't be simple. He knew that Leon had been shattered mentally. 

But Wesker couldn't touch him anymore, so Chris had assumed the worst was over.

Every change in Leon is a new lesson in pain, and Chris isn't sure he'll ever be healed. He can't admit this to anyone, because it would be a kind of sacrilege. But he's afraid that Leon's just going to fester. 

When they first got back, Chris shamelessly pulled every string he had in the BSAA to take care of Leon. The first action had been making sure there was no record that Leon had been rescued in Africa. Chris would be goddamned before Leon would go back to the States for treatment, which meant essentially hiding everything. They could mark everything as classified as they wanted, but Chris knew what they were doing was a good sight beyond that. 

He'd discussed options with all the medical folks at the BSAA headquarters, and they helped Chris put together a care team: two psychiatrists and a nurse who would be with Leon at all times, ushering him through his recovery until he was ready to come home. Everything was set up at an unused but yet unsold BSAA building in France.

By the time they're ready to move Leon, some part of him has awakened. He still seems passingly confused but is never violent or aggressive with anyone who is with him. Mostly, he asks for Wesker. 

And that guts Chris.

Leon goes still and silent whenever Chris is near as if he can will himself out of existence. But around any stranger, he's passive and polite, with a litany of explanations about how it's important that he gets to “sir.” 

In the grand scheme of things, this doesn't go on that long. But every time Chris gets a report on Leon and that's the only information, Chris is undone, afraid that he took Leon away from Wesker but that he can't truly get Wesker _out_ of Leon.

Something finally gives and, without warning, Leon stops asking for Wesker. Instead, he tentatively asks for Sheva. And Sheva – Chris never knows how he'll repay her – goes. She drops everything like she has nothing better to do than wander hallways with Leon's ghost, a man she doesn't know at all.

She's soft and gentle with Leon, and he sticks tight to her. He gets frustrated easily in the face of making even the most simple of decisions. When pressed, he'll often just ask to be told what to do, but Sheva has a knack for drawing out his thoughts on why _he_ might prefer something one or another. 

The whole time, Chris is kept apprised of the situation, but he's told to hold off on seeing Leon. His presence could be a bombshell on Leon's psyche. 

So Chris bides his time and stays at his hotel and gets reports as often as he can – that Leon smiled at Sheva today. That Leon picked out his own clothes and breakfast this morning without hesitation or frustration. That he's started to show emotion when he goes over his time with Wesker. 

That last part grows and grows. At first the memories pour out of Leon in torrents, and even Chris doesn't get the full extent of those. It's like Leon's waking up from nightmares and only realizing the parts he played in them are real. 

Everything else grinds to a halt. Leon's rage simmers in the air of the building everywhere. He sends Sheva away despite her pleading. Leon refuses to talk about what happened anymore, snapping whenever anyone pushes him. He cocoons himself in blankets every day and tries to spend his time pressed into the corner of his bed until they bring him something to help him sleep at night. 

Chris goes back to worrying. How long will this part last? Or is this just it? Is this what Leon is now? 

Chris sits in the plastic chair of one of the psychiatrists rooms and feels hollowed. He feels like a hypocrite, because Leon is back to fighting this fight alone. And what is Chris doing? Nothing. Listening to the stories about how Leon's in pain while Chris is utterly useless. 

“There is one other thing,” the doctor says slowly, and Chris gestures for her to go on. 

“Your sister was scheduled to see him next week,” she says. “But at the mention of that, Leon has become very agitated. He's started making threats against Claire, saying that he'll kill her if she comes anywhere near her.”

Chris stares blankly at the doctor.

“Leon would never hurt Claire,” Chris says as matter of fact – he still remembers when Wesker had told him one of the main reasons that Leon had submitted was to prevent Wesker from hurting or abducting Claire too.

“We don't believe he would either,” the doctor agrees. “But the fact remains that the idea of Claire seems to be highly distressing to him – certainly much more distressing than you. I don't think her visit is a good idea anymore.”

“I'll tell her,” Chris promises. He already knows that Claire is going to be furious and heartbroken. She's been a storm of emotion ever since Chris confessed that he had found Leon. He'd try to tell her what Wesker had done to Leon, but he could never seem to find all the words he needed, the horrors too profound. And he didn't know everything besides. Sometimes that was the worst thing to remember. Things were worse than even Chris knew.

Claire had showed up in France after they first moved Leon and almost muscled her way into seeing him. He was still asking for Wesker constantly at that point, and it was only the warning that she would overwhelm him that kept her away. She had cried angrily in Chris' hotel room and punched a hole in the wall. 

“He's my fucking best friend!” Claire had screamed, because there was nothing else she could do with the anger and the loss. “I love him too!” 

Chris wishes their rage and love could win this fight, because he and Claire would have had Leon back in a second. 

…

The next night, Chris gets a call at 3 in the morning.

“We have a problem,” the doctor says and underneath her calm voice, there's a shiver of worry. 

Chris is there so fast, so mired in fear, that he won't remember the drive or entering the building later. 

He's just suddenly on the roof. Leon is in front of him. Leon is on the lip, looking down with an ease that terrifies Chris. 

This is the first time that he's been this physically close to Leon since they moved him into this building – since he stopped asking for Wesker and started being his own person again. 

Chris is a fucking mess, and he didn't realize how badly he was off until he's five feet away from Leon, literally praying that he doesn't have to watch Leon jump.

Leon turns at the sound of his footsteps, because of course he does. Despite everything, Chris still expects Leon to give him shit about his stealth. Instead, an expression rips across his face that's pure disdain. 

“You,” is all Leon says. 

“Yeah, me,” Chris answers. He pauses. Is he close enough? Is he too close? Does he reach for Leon? “What are we doing, Leon?” 

Leon looks away from him and back down at the ground stories below.

“What you should have done in the first place,” Leon answers. 

Chris swallows and is caught off guard when his anger swarms back in. They haven't gone through this much for Leon to toss himself off a building. It's just so unbearably stupid for it to end like this.

“That's bullshit, Leon,” Chris says, practically snapping. He suspects this isn't how he's supposed to handle this. 

Leon looks sharply back at him – that obviously wasn't the answer he was expecting either.

“Fuck you, Redfield,” Leon snarls. “You _promised_ me that you would put me down if I needed to be put down, and instead you brought me back as a BOW piece of shit and let me realize that I'm nothing more than a BOW piece of shit. I don't fucking want to live like this, and I know everyone around me thinks it would be better if I had just died. No one wants me like this.”

“I want you,” Chris says without hesitation, taking half a step forward. “I want you however I can have you.”

Leon's eyes flash at him.

“I don't give a fuck what you want,” Leon spits at him. “I fucking hate you. I hate you so much. All of this is your fault.” 

Chris clenches his jaw. He's been telling himself that for years now, but it's different to hear it from Leon.

Leon seems to grow emboldened by seeing that weakness in Chris. 

“What did you think was going to happen, you idiot?” Leon sneers at him. “Did you think we were just going to come back and play house again? That I would be sweet and grateful that you had _saved_ me? He sent me back a monster and he knew that you wouldn't have the stomach to stop me.”

“Because you're not a monster, Leon!” Chris shouts back at him. “Monsters are never this concerned with being monsters!” 

“Do you remember two years ago when the BSAA sent in a squad to Spain to investigate rumors of las plagas coming back?” Leon asks, but he doesn't give Chris time to answer. “And they all died and you could never figure out what happened? That was me. I killed all of those men, Chris. I grabbed the kid that was supposed to be covering the rear and snapped his neck and got into as much of his gear as I could to pass myself off as BSAA. I got into position and opened fire on them and killed most of them before they even knew they were under attack. The guy you sent in as leader just wouldn't go down, though. That was his first mission in charge, right? You'd personally trained him. I ended up having to slit his throat and hold him down while he bled out. 

“Last year? When that plane was brought down while bringing actual vaccines down into Africa? That was me. When you lost all that data on las plagas to that fire? That was me too. 

“So do you want to tell me about how I can still be the man you loved?” Leon asks, “when every fucking minute you're with me you're going to have to wonder how many of your men I personally killed or what missions I carried out that resulted in thousands more people being infected? Even you're not that much of a saint. I'll skip it, thanks, Chris.” 

“Leon,” Chris chokes out.

“Or do you want to hold me at night and think about how I fucked him?” Leon steps far enough away from the edge to actually push Chris in the chest, and Chris just takes the blow, stumbling half a step back. “That I _liked_ being a slut for him because it was easier than being in pain? That he fucked me better than you ever did?”

“Stop,” Chris snarls. Leon pushes him again and this time Chris grabs his wrists and just holds him there.

“He did,” Leon presses. “He fucked me so good, Chris. He loved to watch me come. He made sure, all the time, that I enjoyed myself – that he was fucking me better than you were.”

“Shut up,” Chris breathes, voice barely above a whisper this time. 

Leon plasters the front of his body against Chris'.

“So, tell me, baby,” he says in a low, mocking voice. “Tell me how you love me and it's going to be okay. Tell me how you don't think I'm a monster.” 

“Shut up,” Chris growls. 

“There we go,” Leon sneers, looking up into Chris' face. He looks satisfied with whatever he finds there. He shoves Chris back again. Chris lets him.

“So, let's save some time,” Leon says, and he steps back up onto the ledge. “And you can go back and really be big hero, grieving widower Chris Redfield. I'm sure you'll find someone to comfort you in between saving the world.” 

Chris is frozen. He waits for Leon to jump. For the rest of his torn-out heart to be splattered along the ground.

But Leon doesn't. He just stares down. 

“Why aren't you going then?” Chris asks, his voice utterly ruined. “If you believe all the things you said, why aren't you jumping?”

A pause, a moment too long.

“I always thought it would be a gun,” Leon admits in a small voice, shoulders tight. He looks back over his shoulder at Chris. “They don't let you bring any firearms.” He says this matter of factly. 

“Is that all?” Chris asks. He's crying again. He doesn't know if all the tears in his life before this would add up to the amount he's cried in the last few weeks. “I can get you a gun, Leon. If that's what you want.” 

Leon looks at him. He seems to be searching for whatever trick Chris is playing and seems surprised to find that Chris is being _honest_.

“I don't want to live like this,” Leon says again, but his voice is unsteady this time.

“I know,” Chris says. “And – and if you can't, I can let you go, Leon. I meant it when I said you had fought enough.” 

Leon draws back, wide-eyed, as if Chris had slapped him.

“Stop loving me,” Leon says, sounding on the verge of tears himself now. “Jesus, Chris, _please_.”

“I can't,” Chris says, shrugging hopelessly. “You're it for me, Leon. And, yeah, this is a hell of a lot fucking worse than anything we ever signed up for. And, yeah, all that shit you told me does hurt me and break my heart, Leon. But it hurts me more that you had to live through it and that you think you're responsible for it now, that you have to carry all of that with you. I _get_ why you can't live like this. And you're right – nobody wants you to live like this. Everyone wants you to find a new way to live with who you are now. Because all of us believe that even with all this hurt, you're stronger than it and can do so much more good in the world.”

Leon hides his face behind his shaking hands and shakes his head.

“And if you can't,” Chris says quietly. He takes a step forward until he's right there in front of Leon. He pulls one of Leon's hands into his own. “If you can't, that's okay. You were strong enough. You were good enough. You fought long enough.”

“He knew you wouldn't stop loving me,” Leon says miserably. “He counted on the fact that if you ever got me back, we'd keep hurting each other.” 

“He knew me really well, Leon,” Chris says, a quiet admission. “But he also had zero faith in humanity. He didn't have the capacity to see how we could help each other heal from this.” 

Leon breaks down sobbing, and, because he doesn't resist, Chris draws him off the lip of the roof and just holds him. 

“I don't want to live like this,” Leon begs into Chris' shoulder. He says the words over and over again.

“I know,” Chris says softly, running a hand up and down his back. It's been over three years since he last held Leon – since the morning he took his flight out for a BSAA training and decided not to wake Leon when he went, because he knew Leon needed the sleep. 

“You have to be the one to decide what you do want to live for now,” Chris says softly, lips pressed against the side of Leon's head. “But I'm here, Leon. Whether you want me or not. When you hate me and when you don't.” 

“I hate you,” Leon gasps out again. And Chris understands: the amount of love Leon still feels for him is terrifying, an emotion that shouldn't be known by monsters. And yet, an emotion that Wesker used to drive Leon to monstrous deeds. Something that Leon can now only see as a wound, something to be reopened and used against him once more.

“I know,” Chris says quietly. He keeps running his hand in circles along Leon's back. “I know.”

They stay like that for a long time, even after Leon's sobs have subsided. He just goes boneless against Chris, and Chris is afraid to breathe for fear of setting Leon off again. But the moment can't hold forever. They have to move on.

“Let me bring Sheva back,” Chris says gently.

“No,” Leon says immediately, stalwart. He draws back enough to try and scrub the tears from his face. “No.” He pauses and then allows, “Jill.”

“ _Jill?_ ” Chris asks incredulously.

“Jill,” Leon confirms, nodding. Chris' knee-jerk reaction is to refuse. 

He and Jill had had a hell of a fight after they got back from Africa. They'd both been beaten to shit by Wesker, and Chris had just been too worn down to hide how outraged he was that Jill had shot Leon, had been ready to kill him as if he was _nothing_.

He had screamed at her, right there in the locker room while they were still in half their gear and she was trying to get her nose to stop bleeding. And she had just taken it. Jill Valentine – just taking shit like this from a man, and that had only made Chris angrier. 

And finally, Jill had just said, “You couldn't have done it and I didn't want you to even have to imagine making that decision. So, yeah, Chris, I would have killed him so that you didn't have to wonder if you could if he was murdering me and Sheva. Hate me if you need to.” And then she had just walked out of the locker room.

He hasn't seen her since, although he knows that she is also getting “secret” reports about Leon's status – and Chris'. 

“If you believe I'm not a monster,” Leon says, breathing more evenly, “then you'll let Jill come. Jill's love for me is different than yours. She'll kill me if she believes she has to.” 

Chris swallows. He hadn't realized that what had been a nightmare for him had been insurance for Leon. To Chris, Jill Valentine had almost taken away his only chance at ever having Leon alive again. For Leon, Jill Valentine had guaranteed that Leon would only come back if there was a chance he could be a man again.

“All right,” Chris says. “I'll ask her.” 

Chris hesitates and then asks, “Claire?”

Leon goes away for a moment, his eyes losing their focus. He looks like he had when Sheva had first taken the device off of him.

“No,” Leon says desperately, barely a whisper. “Not Claire, please. I can't-- She can't--”

“All right,” Chris says. “All right. Stop saying you're going to hurt her, though. Just say you're not ready. I won't let her come until you say so, okay?” 

Leon nods. He's still shaking a little.

“Will you--?” Leon tries, but his voice gives way. Chris waits, patient, for Leon to try again.

“Will you start seeing me again?” Leon asks, his voice still cracking. “I'm going to hate you for so much of it and be terrible to you because I want you to hate me, too, but will you--?”

“Yes,” Chris says without hesitation. He tries to hide the fact that he's on the verge of tears again. “Yeah, of course, Leon.”

He stands there for a moment more, waiting to see if Leon is going to say or ask for anything else.

When he doesn't, Chris gently asks, “Can we go in?”

Leon looks back over at the ledge that Chris found him standing on, but he doesn't tug out of Chris' arms.

“Yeah,” Leon says. “Let's go.”

**Author's Note:**

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